


To have and to hold

by Gondolin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Blanket Permission, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Podfic Welcome, just classic tcw levels, mentions of torture, nothing graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-19 22:54:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17610596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gondolin/pseuds/Gondolin
Summary: Passing out is looking more and more appealing, when Anakin feels a familiar presence tugging at the end of his consciousness.“Obi-Wan...” he whispers, focusing on that Force signature that shines like a beacon in the endless night of deep space.Written for the prompt: "You're shaking come here"





	To have and to hold

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sirius_bucky_solo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirius_bucky_solo/gifts).



> Written for the prompt: "You're shaking come here" + Obikin from [this H/C ask meme](https://captaingondolin.tumblr.com/post/173548001438/hc-prompts-hit-me).
> 
> This was such a good prompt choice. Sorry for taking literal AGES.

By this point, Anakin should probably expect torture. It's a grim thought, though not as grim as focusing on how much everything hurts. Sure, let's electrocute the guy with the metal arm, that will be great. His right shoulder and what remains of his bio arm feel like they are on fire. They could be, for all he knows. Opening his eyes seems like too much effort right now.  

Passing out is looking more and more appealing, when Anakin feels a familiar presence tugging at the end of his consciousness.

“Obi-Wan...” he whispers, focusing on that Force signature that shines like a beacon in the endless night of deep space.

He forces himself upright just in time as the power is cut off from the shackles that had been holding him up from the wrists.

“Anakin!” Obi-Wan jells, bursting into the room, parrying a blaster bolt directed at his back without even looking, with an overly fancy move of his saber. He looks disheveled, and Anakin wastes precious seconds staring at the hair falling on his former Master’s forehead. It’s the haze of pain, he justifies it to himself, that’s what’s making him less sharp. He can handle Obi-Wan coming to his rescue with a panicked expression in his eyes, showing how worried he was and how much he cares. He can.

Anakin barely catches the lightsaber that’s tossed at him, and gets himself into position, back to back with Obi-Wan, ready to fight their way out.

“So glad to see you still standing!” Obi-Wan yells over his shoulder, though his voice has a strained edge and his usual humour has been replaced by the fear that maybe, this time, he wouldn’t find Anakin in time, that he wouldn’t find Anakin at all.

“You know me,” the younger man grits out, jumping out of the way of a bolt and cutting down the droid that had tried to shoot him at the same time, “Can’t get rid of me that easily!”

They make it to Obi-Wan’s ship just as the droid command starts to blow up their own hangar in the vain attempt to stop them.

Obi-Wan nearly collapses in the pilot seat, sets the coordinates for Coruscant and only starts breathing again when they jump to hyperspace. It’s only then that he looks up, wondering why his former Padawan hadn’t jumped in to pilot. He stands up and walks towards Anakin, who is leaning against the cabin wall, making a visible effort to hold himself upright and to contain the minute shakes that run through his body.

“Are you alright, Anakin?” Obi-Wan asks, and then curses himself, because of course Anakin isn’t.

“Just peachy,” Anakin smiles anyway. He is a terrible liar, though Obi-Wan knows that he has let him get away with it too many times before. When there was not enough time between missions and he simply had no choice but to believe that his student was fine.

This time, though, he is not going to let it go.

“Anakin…,” he says, trying to sound just exasperated, “You’re shaking, come here.”

“I’ll be fine. I think maybe some of the circuits in my arm got fried, that’s all.”

He looks so lost, so forlorn, trying too hard to make himself tougher, trying to refuse what little comfort he is offered, and Obi-Wan’s heart breaks a little. In another era, Anakin would not have been thrust into this. He’d be at the Temple, or taking small missions around Core worlds. He would probably still be a Padawan, with no pressure for him to take on more and more responsibility.

But here they are, two battle-hardened veterans, two Generals in an army that should not even exist, filling a role that, Obi-Wan can admit that in the privacy of his own head, they are not suited for, constantly feeling death and destruction through the Force with no respite.

And maybe it’s Obi-Wan who needs a hug, really, maybe it’s for himself, maybe it’s to avoid looking at Anakin’s too young face, that he steps closer and encircles the other in his arms. He holds him, almost as if he could stop the shaking if he just holds on tight enough, almost as if he could stop the pain. Obi-Wan is not a healer, but he has a trick or two, and he feeds Anakin some of his own energy through their bond.

“Obi-Wan?” he asks, voice muffled against Obi-Wan’s tabard, sounding lost.

“It’s okay to be in pain. I’m sorry I wasn’t there, I’m sorry you had to go through this. It’s okay now.”

Anakin’s trembling gets worse, and he might be crying, though Obi-Wan can’t be sure. He doesn’t want to move, so he calls to himself the med kit (it’s not a casual use of the Force, he reasons with himself, he has a former Padawan to comfort, this is important) and from there gets the painkillers.

“Here,” he says trying to untangle himself from Anakin just enough to put two pills in his hand, “Take these.”

He then leads the other man towards a bench, where they slump half on top of each other. Anakin dry swallows the pills, resolutely not looking at him, and visibly trying to at least get his breathing back under control.

“We’ll be in Coruscant in six standard hours. You have time to rest, if you want.”

Obi-Wan longs for the Temple, for the quiet he can still carve for himself there, but he knows that it won’t offer Anakin the same level of comfort it does him, so he starts stroking his hair, offering nothing but his presence. He holds his hand and kisses his brow, his cheeks. He felt Anakin’s presence even while he had been imprisoned, but even he has to admit that touch offers a reassurance not even the Force can provide. Anakin is still alive, still alive, still alive. And Obi-Wan doesn’t have to deal with losing half his soul. Not yet, not today.

Ever so slowly, Anakin’s muscles relax, his jaw and fists unclench.

“I shouldn’t have… I will be fine,” he murmurs after a long stretch of silence.

“You definitely should have. You shouldn’t hide it when you’re hurt. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

Anakin huffs, almost laughs. “The Seps wanted to know where are our bases in this system. I didn’t want to tell them. We’ve both had worse. I don’t want you to think that our… that we…”

“That we what, Anakin?” Obi-Wan gently prods, knowing better than to let it go. If he doesn’t ask, Anakin might never bring up again whatever is bothering him.

“It was just… I’ve always been good at getting away from the pain, you know?”

Obi-Wan knows, and he tries really hard not to think as to why he’d had to develop that ability early.

“I don’t know what happened today, why I couldn’t take it. Or why I let myself get caught in the first place.”

“Anakin! How could you say that? Let yourself? What are you saying? Anakin, no. You were surrounded by superior forces, that was not your fault."

"But it's all... I'm not being a very good Jedi. And a terrible General. We lost so many men, but I'm still here and when I felt you near I was so relieved. So happy. I shouldn't have been this happy," he concludes looking down in shame, "And now I'm making you deal with my mess because I can't keep it together."

Obi-Wan trembles under the weight of Anakin's anguish. He can feel it in the Force and he can feel it in his bones, like it’s his own. Because it is. Because Anakin is his responsibility in so many ways, just like he is Anakin's. He keeps caressing his back, his head, delicate as anything.

"I must have failed you worse than I thought if this is what you think, Anakin. I want to do this for you, I want to be the person who... I want to share your pain as well as your happiness. We don't... we, as an Order, are not equipped for war, not for this. When I have told you not to let your feelings overwhelm you, I never meant that you shouldn't have any. You can't grieve forever, but you are allowed to feel pain. You are not a bad Jedi, Anakin. You are... I am so proud of you."

They remain in silence for a long while. Obi-Wants wants to be strong, as he's always been, he doesn't want to give up his remaining shields. But if there's one thing he's learned is that sometimes bending will prevent breaking. Sometimes weakness is strength.

He murmurs into Anakin's hair: "I was afraid I wouldn't get to you in time. I was so afraid it nearly swallowed me whole. I am still afraid, of myself, of how much you mean to me. Of how bad a Jedi this makes me. So, you see, you're in good company there," he concludes, wanting to laugh, but with a sob stuck in his throat.

They hold each other.

**Author's Note:**

> Is your Padawan worried about his ABILITY TO WITHSTAND TORTURE? Call today for a free psychological assessment: Y’ALL HAVE PTSD and a bad fucking case of survivor's guilt AND NEED THERAPY.
> 
> Come scream about Star Wars to me on tumblr @ captaingondolin


End file.
